It's Over mourn, get help and heal written by Maria Maldonado photo by Agi Janik After giving his prized pool stick away and deciding not to run his father's '52 Chevy off a cliff because he knows how much he loves it, Rafael, 19, stumbles home in a daze, numb from alcohol and emotion. All he wants are the sleeping pills hidden in his parents' medicine cabinet. His girlfriend of two years recently left him, and for the past couple of weeks he's been trying to keep his mind off her. But tonight is the breaking point. He doesn't want to live. The struggle is too much to take. As he reaches the front door of the house, he hardly remembers the walk. Careful not to creak the floors, he tip-toes to the squeaky-mirrored cabinet and finds the pills. He knows the hardest part of his plan is about to be executed. "Kiss Mom and Dad good night," he tells himself as he makes it to their bed. His heart races as he struggles with his tightening throat. Not until he's in the doorway does he realize what he's about to do. With tears streaming down his face, he takes one more look at his sleeping parents knowing this is the last time he'll ever see them. Heartbreak -- we've all been there. And if you haven't, chances are you will at some point in life. "In California your chances of divorce are 75 percent, which is higher than the national average," says Marcia Simmons, a marriage, family and child counselor in San Francisco. In general, women recover quicker than men after separation, but a reactive depression in either partner is often triggered by feelings of failure or loss, she says. "Most of the time the feeling of loneliness and isolation are the biggest problems we have in life," says psychologist Singkin Yue. "Mild depression is a normal phenomenon." But since our culture bombards us with such high standards of perfection, we tend to feel helpless when we don't measure up. "Depression in nature is a healthy process. It pushes us to step back and reflect on what we have done." However, what's unhealthy is the demobilization that occurs with clinical depression. The most-effective approach at that point is a combination of anti-depressants and psychotherapy," Yue says. But Kathryn Ryan, a licensed acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist at Quan Yin Healing Arts Center in San Francisco says, "Many people come to me already on drugs and are incapacitated by it. Further, it concerns me when people are on them for long periods of time." These drugs seem to mask the problem, whereas the holistic approach looks for the root of it. There are several ways to help fight depression. Knowing them is important, because according to the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education web site, the No. 1 cause of suicide is untreated depression. More than 30,000 men and women kill themselves each year, making suicide a greater cause of death in the United States than homicide, says Eve Myer, executive director of San Francisco Suicide Prevention. "You're at greater risk of killing yourself." And although 400,000 women attempt suicide each year, men make up three-quarters of all suicides completed. One reason why suicides occasionally follow relationship separations could be our society's treatment of it, Myer says. When someone dies we tend to swarm the bereaved with support and encouragement. But when people separate, "Usually we say: 'Snap out of it. There are lots of fish in the sea.' or, 'you're better off anyway.' In doing so we take away the source of pain relief that would otherwise help the person get through it," Myer says. Most depression stems from loss, says Ricardo Munoz, a clinical psychologist, professor of psychiatry and founder of the University of California at San Francisco depression clinic. Munoz says this may be connected to mood-management skills. Men tend to turn to alcohol, tobacco or drugs or engage in other risky behaviors to cope. Women on the other hand tend to seek help. One reason some cope better with loss than others could be our upbringing, Myer says. Children encouraged to show emotions, grieve and accept comfort are more likely to do so as adults. However, when people don't grieve they'll usually find other avenues to relieve the pain. Turning to drugs, alcohol or jumping into another relationship can only create more long-term problems for some, she adds. It's extremely important each partner look inward at his own mistakes, Simmons says. "We love to blame others." She encourages her clients to reinvest in life, but acknowledges that for couples who have spent all their free time together, this is excruciatingly difficult. As far as dealing with depression on a day-to-day basis, Munoz recommends four mood-management skills. First, focus on the controllable: get enough sleep, eat well and exercise. Aerobic exercise alone can sometimes cure a mild depression, says Dr. Alan Gaby, professor of nutrition at Bastyr University in Seattle. According to William Sheppard, a certified personal trainer for Gold's Gym in San Francisco, the reason behind this is simple. Endorphins, released during vigorous exercise and otherwise known as the runner's high, produce an overall good feeling. But even before that, psychologically you feel better because you're getting out and doing something good for yourself. Further, if you go to a gym you're usually around positive people. Second, increase healthy and enjoyable activities. If the negative events of the day outweigh the positive, people are more likely to stay depressed. Third, increase time spent with those who make you feel good about yourself. And last, use your mind to overcome negative talk. "Your internal reality can be at least as important as your external reality. Learn to recognize the types of thoughts that influence your mood," Munoz says. It's crucial to stay away from refined sugars, caffeine and alcohol, all of which can make the depression worse, says Gaby. Most importantly not all depression warrants drugs. Other treatments that help are vitamin B-3 shots in combination with tryptophan, a precursor to serotonin. It works much like Prozac or amipramine, but without the side effects, he says. However, if people still don't respond, then anti-depressants should be used. 'There is a place for everything, but it's important to use the safest approach first," Gaby says. High expectations about anything we're trying to accomplish in life, including getting over depression, is what we need to watch out for, Yue explains. Reality is that everyone reacts differently. It's finding what works for you that's important. "It's the journey of getting to our goals that's important," Sheppard says. Raphael agrees. He walks from his parents' room, no longer holding back his tears. Thoughts of hurting his family turn his quiet sobs to hyperventilation as he heads to his room. His mom awakens, but by then adrenaline turns his emotions to rage. While he is struggling with his father, the pills go flying and roll to the side. His mom screams, realizing if she didn't wake up he may not be alive. His parents rush him to the psychiatric ward where he stays for four days, and later receives counseling. Looking back on it five years later and happily married, he says: "I learned a great lesson. No matter how bad things get, they always get better. It's sad for those who follow through with suicide and never figure that out." |ISSUE #1|FEATURES|A&E|INVESTIGATIVE|GREEN WATCH| |NAKED TRUTH|IN MOTION|HEALTH|LIFESTYLES|FYI|INDEX|