Satellite Junkie One man's weeklong vacation takes him to the dark underbelly of satelite television. Written by Curtis K. Zupke Photo by Vicki Graham Spice and Adam and Eve don't come on until six," the mustachioed installation man says nonchalantly as he gathers up his tools. Danny Deraney is giddy. A 22-year-old San Francisco State University student, Deraney has just invested in one of today's newest home entertainment curiosities: satellite television. Normally satisfied with a steady diet of basic cable, Deraney has taken the next step, not for soft porn (more on that later), but for the wonderful world of 200 channels and multiple remote controls. "Watching TV with me is like looking directly into a strobe light," he says of his channel surfing. "I need variety." He is not alone. Since becoming available nationwide two years ago, DirecTV, whose commercial featuring two cable installation men bingeing on a customer's dish is played ad nauseam, has sold more than 1.1 million dishes. Last year Primestar sold more than 1.9 million units, which cost between $300 and $600, depending on the package. Why now? Fifteen years ago satellite dishes were grotesque, 10-foot monsters costing $3,000, usually seen in trailer parks and retirement communities. In 1988 a Hughes Electronics Corp. engineer named Bill Butterworth figured out that a satellite the company designed for the U.S. Navy was ideal for sending television signals to a dish tiny enough to fit on a windowsill. Amid skepticism, Hughes gambled on the idea, but needed to hammer out practicalities, such as compact set-top boxes. By June 1995, sales of dishes hit 1 million -- the most successful first-year rollout of any consumer-electronics product, including videocassette recorders, compact disc players, and big-screen television sets, according to DirecTV. So who is buying these? "It caters to people who like auto racing, outdoor sports, and country music," says Katie Stephan, senior manager of consumer relations for Primestar. In a time when a television is turned on as instinctively as a light switch, short attention spans are getting shorter. Danny doesn't care about that now. A part-time student and other part men's-apparel salesman at Macy's, he needs to take the edge off of a cumbersome semester. The gigantic black box awaits him, with his nine-inch remote in hand he checks out for a week of Primestar indulgence: Tuesday:The Classic Sports Network is showing a 1972 Los Angeles Lakers-Milwaukee Bucks game. He is alarmed at the length of the players' shorts. Click. Pre-game show for a Cleveland Lumberjacks-Fort Wayne Komets hockey game. Click. Channel 79 is a religious broadcasting program from Orlando, Fla. A man named Benny Hinn is before 10,000 people ready to be "saved." Hinn's method of salvation is blowing on individuals unexpectedly. Click. Upon discovering that he is watching "Mad About You" three hours before it's broadcast on the West Coast, Danny contemplates phoning a friend to tell him that Helen Hunt's character is pregnant. He has phone in hand before realizing what he's gotten himself into. Wednesday:Two morning classes and a dull seafood lunch before cruising home. "Annie Hall" is on The Independent Film Channel. For the first time Danny sees a billboard advertisement for a KISS concert in the background of a scene between Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. Click. Nick at Nite's "TV Land" replays 1970s commercials. In a Levis spot, he sees a roller skater wearing a New York Rangers jersey, circa 1977. It scares Danny that he knows this. Click. The Family Channel shows Johnny Carson reruns. This one is from 1985. In his monologue, Johnny remarks, "Boy George was arrested by the Coast Guard for scraping barnacles off his dinghy." Click. Thursday:Danny finds himself rushing home from his night class to catch the last period of an Anaheim Mighty Ducks-Vancouver Canucks game. Within 30 minutes he decides that "The World's Strongest Man" contests on ESPN2 should be banned. Click. While watching the Pittsburgh Penguins-Chicago Blackhawks game, there is a fight and the screen is framed by a yellow Arby's box, thereby becoming the "Beef of the Game." Click. Time to rest thumb. Friday:That term paper on the Electoral College can wait. Right now Danny is infinitely amused by "Beat the Clock" on The Game Show Network. The show is hosted by eventual "Family Feud" announcer Gene Wood, who makes Richard Dawson look like a choir boy. While talking to a female contestant, Wood stares at her chest and sneaks in a kiss before segueing into commercial with "Don't go anywhere, folks. You know where the action is." By now Danny cannot see his floor because of the amount of debris accumulated around his chair, particularly the Primestar TV Guide, roughly the size of a San Mateo County phone book. "I don't even have to watch Sportscenter," he says. "I'm there." Saturday:Rainy day, only one class. Danny has gone through all 181 channels before realizing the picture-in-picture function on his television is inoperable. It doesn't matter. The Playboy Channel is showing "Cheerleaders" tonight for $7.95. To purchase this, and other pay-per-view programs on Primestar, there is a green button on the remote with the word "BUY" on it. Sunday: Ah, yes. There's nothing like finishing off an eight-hour work shift with a Los Angeles Lakers-Toronto Raptors game. After spending the entire first half trying to figure out what the Raptors' center-court logo is, the pot of pasta he set down has burned a hole in the carpet. Click. Monday:Surprisingly slow day at Macy's. Danny finds himself watching The Discovery Channel. He discovers he needs a girlfriend. He is also convinced the man who does the Bud Light skunky-beer commercials is a former high school classmate. During "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central, Montel Williams reveals that he does not wear underwear. This is information Danny does not want to know. It is late, his right thumb has repetitive-stress syndrome, and his Playboy account has expired. He knows all the channels by heart. He has seen "Saturday Night Live" live. He is tired. He has had enough. Just when he's about to lie down, he is provoked by a thought. "Gee, I wonder what's on The Game Show Network?" |ISSUE #1|FEATURES|A&E|INVESTIGATIVE|GREEN WATCH| |NAKED TRUTH|IN MOTION|HEALTH|LIFESTYLES|FYI|INDEX|