Prism Online

Don't Ask,

Don't Hit,

Don't Tell

written by Azadeh Nashat photos by Kathy Illera

Vivian (not her real name) thinks she has finally found her soulmate. This is her first relationship with a woman. Her partner tells her to keep their relationship a secret, explaining that most people wouldn’t take them seriously. "She engraved in my head that it was special and no one would understand," says Vivian.

Their relationship is kept a secret while her partner begins a slow pattern of abusive behavior. At first she tells Vivian how to dress, sit and walk. She doesn’t like it when Vivian gets a haircut because it makes her look like a "tomboy." She criticizes Vivian constantly. The first time her partner is physically abusive is when Vivian arrives 20 minutes late to meet her at the mall. As she sits in the car and tries to explain herself, her partner slaps her.

Things only get worse after that. The verbal and emotional abuse towards Vivian is now constant. After another argument in the car, her partner begins banging Vivian’s head against the dashboard and strikes her. A little boy sees part of the fight and tells a nearby police officer. Vivian says she is almost arrested because she looks like the "butcher" one.

Domestic violence is generally seen as a heterosexual problem-a violent act of emotional, physical, verbal or sexual abuse from one partner to another. In heterosexual cases, it is already well documented as the leading cause of injury in women between the ages of 15 and 44. Yet a considerable number of violent acts in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships go unreported. It is estimated that domestic violence occurs in 25 percent to 33 percent of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships, according to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (N.C.A.V.P.).

"The number of gay and lesbian cases is presumed to be equal to heterosexual cases," says Carol Pedro-Cirabisi, director of the Lesbian Domestic Violence Program at the Women Organized to Make Abuse Nonexistent, Inc. (W.O.M.A.N.).

"The power and control dynamic in heterosexual partners is the same in gay partners," she says. "The problem is that there is a lot more involved in a gay or lesbian to come out to domestic violence because of homophobia." A study released in October by the N.C.A.V.P. shows that in 1996 there were 2,352 cases of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender victimizations among 12 organizations that were surveyed in the nation. Of these incidents 1,161 were reported by women and 1,191 were reported by men. Transgendered persons were classified as the gender they identified with. In the N.C.A.V.P. study, 12 of the 25 members of the organization had documented and responded to domestic violence calls in 1996. These 12 are located in San Francisco, New York, San Diego, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Denver, St. Louis, Cleveland and Little Rock. The three cities with the highest number of cases were San Francisco with 533 cases, New York with 469 and San Diego with 358.

These N.C.A.V.P. organizations are available to an estimated 47 million people, which is less than 20 percent of the nation’s population. "I felt nothing," says Vivian. "I felt numb but I thought I could handle it, not realizing the severity of it." In the state of California it is defined as "abuse committed against an adult or a fully emancipated minor who is a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former cohabitant." The Power and Control Wheel for Lesbians and Gays, developed by Tucson United Against Violence, a sub-committee of The Southern Arizona Task Force on Domestic Violence, illustrates the physical and emotional abuse between two partners. The physical abuse includes slapping, choking, shoving, punching and beating.

Emotional abuse is defined in different ways. Coercion and threats can be used to "out" partners to their family and co-workers. Intimidation is used in scaring partners with yelling and throwing things. Verbal abuse is used to insult, criticize and blame. Isolation is used for controlling what the partner does, exploiting the "Us and Them" relationship that is caused by being in a closeted relationship.

According to the N.C.A.V.P., many of the abused are not aware of the services available to them. They also don’t think they fall into the category of abused, and if they do they are reluctant to seek help .Homophobia is blamed as a major reason why so many gay and lesbian battered partners do not seek help. These victims also don’t consider themselves in an abusive relationship because domestic violence is thought of as a heterosexual dilemma.

"Homophobia is used as a weapon," says Pedro-Cirabisi. "One partner scares the other to out them if they leave or seek help." The fear of being outed and dealing with such a sensitive issue of abuse is being referred to as the second closet.

The N.C.A.V.P. reports that many of the services available for men and women of abuse are designed to deal with heterosexual victims and perpetrators. Victims in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships have difficulty finding assistance. Of the 25 members of N.C.A.V.P., only 12 deal with domestic violence. Two of the main organizations in the San Francisco area are W.O.M.A.N. and Community United Against Violence. Both organizations have programs specifically dealing with lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender violence. W.O.M.A.N. is the first program in the country to deal with woman-to-woman abuse issues. The program offers a 24-hour, bilingual domestic violence hot-line. It also offers counseling, legal assistance and assistance in finding shelter. There are an estimated 18,000 to 20,000 women and children, annually, who are provided services by W.O.M.A.N.. "We have a repeat offender prevention program where we work directly with the police department to go out on domestic violence calls and provide immediate intervention," says Pedro-Ciribasi.

Community United Against Violence has similar programs in dealing with hate crimes and domestic violence in the gay, lesbian and transgender community.

The San Francisco District Attorney’s office has taken a major step in dealing with this issue. Crystal H. Weston was hired in late 1996 as a full-time advocate dealing with same-gendered victims. The program has created awareness in San Francisco by organizing seminars for attorneys, training the police and starting a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender specific MUNI bus poster campaign.

"From a report I did between the months of February to August 1997, I found an increase of 27 percent in reported cases," says Weston. Within these months the report shows that the two months with the highest increase in reported cases were in June (Pride Month) and July. The reason for this, as explained in the report, is that Pride Month is an emotional time for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders. This causes extreme feelings which are brought out whether they are good or bad. In the N.C.A.V.P. study, there is an analysis of how domestic violence is treated in different states. In seven states, same-gender relationships do not qualify as domestic. These states include Arizona, Delaware, Indiana, Michigan, Montana, North Carolina and South Carolina. The statutes of the other 43 states are ambiguous enough to allow them to be challenged in court.

When dealing with same-gender calls, most police departments often fail to identify same-gender violence as a domestic problem. As a result, they fail to arrest the perpetrator. In court, there are even more problems in dealing with same-gendered cases. "When two women show up in court," says Pedro-Cirabisi, "the judge doesn’t understand the problem."

In Vivian’s case, the police officer fails to intervene and arrest her partner. The abuse could have been identified and treated. Vivian, like many lesbians and gays, never considered herself in an abusive relationship. Leaving her partner after three years, Vivian moves to a different city and begins doing volunteer work. At a workshop dealing with domestic violence everything finally hits home. "I became a statistic," says Vivian. "It was hard to point to another woman and say you’re hurting me."