[ Golden Gater Online - October 23, 1997 ]
Justin Grams
Staff writer
It's time to get back in touch with your roots, if you can pardon the expression and sneak back into your uncle's closet where that stack of over-sized video boxes rests underneath a pile of old hunting magazines. It's again time for the butterflies to start flying around in your stomach as you jam the tape into his clunky, monolithic VCR, hoping he doesn't get home early from his morning paper route to catch you.
That's right--I bet you've forgotten the titles, but how could you forget the faded, grainy, old-school pornography from the late 1970s and early1980s?
See if any of these titles ring a bell.
1. "Traci, I Love You" (1987). Traci Lords made one legitimate porno at age 18 before she was busted by Hollywood Vice for being an underage porn queen in her prior endeavors. This tape is the only legal work she has ever done. If you find any others in the stores, the FBI might have a hefty reward for you.
2. "Pretty Peaches" (1979). A backwoods nymph suffering from amnesia ends up forgetting everything but how to @#$@#$. This film is really hard to find, but it's worth hunting for just to see porn star Desiree Cousteu's embarrassing naivete.
3. "Taboo 1-2" (1980-1982). Oh yuck! A middle-aged woman turns to her teen-age son for nighttime chores after her husband leaves her. This one played forever at downtown San Francisco theaters. The sequel is just one big, incestuous mess. (Note: It's all just actors. It isn't real.)
4. "Suzie Superstar" (1983). Star Shauna Grant was honored with a whole L.A. Times "Calendar" section dedicated to her after she committed suicide in the mid-1980s. Her real name was Colleen Applegate. No, really, that was her real name. In this film she does all her groupies. Hilarious 1980s music industry portrait.
5. "Barbara Broadcast" (1977). Porn for journalism and broadcast majors. A reporter interviews a New York prostitute and ends up getting in on it. This film is a lesson for anybody that really loves in-depth, investigative reporting.
6. "Garage Girls" (1982). Porn with a storyline. This film is about a group of sexy women who run an auto shop and get involved with a lame robbery. The attempt at giving this film a plot highlights Burt Reynolds' character in "Boogie Nights" and is proof that his desire to give his films mainstream plots was nothing but a pipe dream.
7. "American Pie" (1980). A couple of wealthy high school girls are kidnapped and put up for ransom by two sleazebags, and inevitably end up becoming attracted to their captors. Although it's a shameful classic, this film serves as some of the best evidence for anyone trying to prove what went wrong with morality in the '80s.
8. "New Wave Hookers" (1985). Traci Lords originally starred in this pornographic nightmare, but was cut from all existing prints following her underage discovery. Now she's gone, and all that's left are a bunch of other girls screwing to horrible new wave 80s tunes after two deadbeat men dream up a call-girl ring.
9. "Exhausted" (1981). A definite influence of "Boogie Nights," "Exhausted" is a true documentary of infamous porn star John Holmes, complete with interviews with colleagues and crazy fans. It's a hilarious descent into early 80s porn industry hell and has been out of print since the mid-80s. It's a gem.
10. "Fiona On Fire" (1978). Yes! A detective story that can't even solve itself. A woman gets involved in a senseless killing in a bona fide senseless movie after her sex-packed diary offers a private investigator a pile of senseless clues. This one is hard to find. Call your uncle.
[ Golden Gater - October 23, 1997 ]