[ Golden Gater Online - October 2, 1997 ]
Sam Cohen
journalism major
Once again, San Francisco State scored miserably in U.S. News and World Report's recent ranking of the nation's top universities. Even Humbolt, Fresno and Chico State -- the Marx Brothers of schools ñ out scored us in overall quality.
If only there was a category for schools with the worst parking situation, then I'm sure we'd finally be first at something. It's no wonder we're not ranking higher in other areas -- no one can get to class on time.
The first problem is that faculty and staff get all the best spots. In the rest of the world the employees are supposed to park faraway and leave the best spaces for the paying customers. But here it is the reverse -- the poor student, already burdened with struggles, is forced to circle like a vulture to seek out a place in the hinterlands.
Just the other day, while cruising for a spot in quiet desperation, I noticed a woman walking with keys in hand. With great hopes I trailed her for ten minutes -- right to a bus stop. I just want to warn those of you with nervous key-jiggling habits, for your own protection, keep 'em in your pocket unless you're planning to use 'em. If not, we can't be held responsible for what we do -- and no jury of our peers would convict us either.
Now, some will say us drivers deserve this fate because cars are bad for the environment, and we shouldn't be using them anyway. They will shout self-righteously "ride a bike like me," as they gasp for air, drip of sweat -- and for the men among them -- hope they can get it up again, as it is now
well known that bike riding causes impotence.
So forget that, but what other options are there? MUNI. No, MUNI is much like a condom. No, I don't mean that it is full of scum and breaks often -- though that would apply, too ñ but that you only want to use it if you absolutely have to. Once you've had the pleasure of driving here, it's hard to go back to the numbing sensation of waiting for a bus on a cold corner.
But there is a solution. It's so obvious, I can't believe no one thought of this before.
All we need to do is get rid of sports, or the kinesiology department, or whatever they call it. We'll pave over those space-gobbling athletic fields and turn them into much needed parking lots.
Why do we have sports here anyway? It's not like anyone goes to the games.
This is a state university. Why should taxpayers subsidize people for having fun? What is this, some kind of Utopia? We're here for academic pursuits, not to run around pursuing balls. The purpose of this institution is to turn us into productive citizens. On that note, we should dump the creative writing department as well. That will open up a few more spots.
And before you know it, more top scholars will take jobs here, more students will make it to class on time and more bicyclists will drive here and stop sleeping through their lectures, and next year when that survey comes out -- call me a dreamer -- we may even outrank Fresno State!
[ Golden Gater - October 02, 1997 ]