[ Golden Gater Online - December 4, 1997 ]

Cross out X-Mas

I had to work on Thanksgiving.

Christmas? Yeah, I'm also working then.

But before you begin to throw your sympathy my way at this apparent misfortune, let me tell you - I chose to work both holidays.

See, I am a scrooge. At least that was what I was repeatedly called by my family this weekend after I gave in and went home to visit on the day after Thanksgiving. I tried to stay away but the guilt got the better of me. I went home, kicking and screaming. And I came back the same way.

I don't like the holidays. I've been warped by the expectations, hypocrisies, pressures and everything else that capitalism has done to Jesus Christ's birthday. I'm not religious, but isn't that what Christmas is about? What do Power Rangers and Tickle-My-Elbow (I know, it's a joke) have to do with Him? I actually used to like the holidays, before I knew better.

So, in the tradition of other columnists who put together lists of "thankfuls" for the holidays, I created my own little list of things I don't like about "The most wonderful time of the year." So, lift your glasses full of eggnog for a toast and repeat after me: Bah-Humbug.

I Don't Like:

• Christmas trees in September.
• People with arm-fulls of Nordstrom bags and blow-torched faces of makeup walking through malls like zombies.
• People who go to church two or three times a year.
• Those stupid, good Samaritan bell jinglers for the Salvation Army, who make $6 an hour and leave a ringing in your ear through New Years.
• Still paying on my credit card from previous holidays.
• Fruitcake!?
• Malls. Malls. Malls.
• Greed.
• The pressure of gift giving.
• Receiving Christmas cards from people I don't know, or worse, people I do know and don't like.
• Yearly countdowns. It's done, move on.
• Chia Pets and stupid "ideal" gifts for the golfer in the family.
• Credit.
• Capitalism.
• Christmas lights on hyper speed.
• Having to choose which family to visit.
• Returning gifts.
• Parking lots.
• People who feed the homeless twice a year, then yell at them the other 363 days to get a job.
• Spoiled kids.
• Spoiled parents.
• Turkey twice in a month. Lyon's sounds kinda good.
• Musicians with holiday albums.
• Waste.
• Excess.
• Wish books.
• Day after Thanksgiving sales.
• Christmas trees in January.
• ...And a partridge in a pear tree.

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  [ Golden Gater - December 4, 1997 ]