[ Golden Gater Online - December 11, 1997 ]
This is for all you about to slip the surly bonds of SF State, on your way to better things.Many of you will graduate this semester. Consider this your commencement address.
There was an e-mail that was circulated earlier this year, purported to be written by Kurt Vonnegut. It was passed off as a commencement address he had given at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
In it, the author urged students to do a number of things, all of which would make the heart of any student with a liberal arts education twinge.
The e-mail suggested that students "keep their old love letters," "don't waste time on jealousy," and "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room."
It also told graduates to "enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
It was a wonderful e-mail, full of wistful nostalgia and phrases designed to, well, make you smile.
But it was all a fraud.
The text was actually written by a Chicago newspaper columnist and was never given as a commencement address.
Nor should it have been. The noble ideas spelled out in the column -- "enjoy the power and beauty of your youth," "friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on," and "respect your elders" -- are from the same feel-good breed of ideas that universities have been feeding students for years.
And it's all a bunch of crap.
To those about to enter the real world, let it be known that love, beauty and respect will get you nowhere. You are about to enter a marketplace of people, where you are on the bottom rung of the ladder. Lying, cheating and stealing are likely to get you much farther than peace, love and understanding.
Count on throwing out 95 percent of the knowledge you paid for in college. The real world is judo in the clinches (to borrow a phrase), and crafty resourcefulness at times like this will do better for you than a diploma.
So here is the advice: Don't respect anybody. Don't take no for an answer. Don't play fair. And don't be afraid to throw an elbow or two.
Maybe that will get you where you want to go.
[ Golden Gater - December 11, 1997 ]