December 13, 1994

The left-hand column

• Aries -- Poodles + duct tape + lacquer thinner = fun for the whole family.
• Taurus -- You are an artichoke, deal with it.
• Gemini -- The rain in Spain falls mainly in hell.
• Cancer -- That chicken sandwich you ate yesterday was part of a Fission Authority experiment. Drink a gallon of Bactine and check for extra toes.
• Scorpio -- Today you snap: hide the mescaline and automatic weapons beforehand...or don't.
• Leo -- It's all over, they found the body, cop to a lesser charge and start sending care packages to Guido-the-Killer, your cellmate in waiting.
• Sagittarius -- Snakes! Snakes! Get these spiders off of me!
• Capricorn -- Your girlfriend's husband is up for parole today, consider the unspoiled beauty of South Yemen.
• Virgo -- M, I, C -- see you dead in a ditch, K, E, Y -- why because you belong there, M, O, U, S, E.
• Pisces -- Your life is a Sesame Street episode, consider heavy drug use and regular enemas as an alternative to the mundane.
• Libra -- A bird in hand is worth a burrito in the Taqueria
• Aquarius -- You're going to have the best day of your life. Don't trust horoscopes.